I Just Watched Trump Get Roasted by a Dead Pedophile While Harris Conquers MAGA Country

Under the spotlights brighter than a supernova at a space disco, we find a collection of tales that make reality television look like amateur hour at the local community center.

As Donald Trump, paraded into Manhattan Criminal Court for a hush money trial, one could imagine Melania blowing out her candles wishing for a day less fraught with embarrassment.

It's like tuning into a game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, except the donkey is the constitution, and no one's blindfolded—they're just pretending to be.

Yesterday court was out of session, but the follies definitely didn't take a break!

Enter stage left, David Pecker, revealing the wizardry behind silencing stories, in a plot twist fit for a daytime drama.